


Anyway

by MaryLG



Category: Hunger Games Trilogy - Suzanne Collins
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Katniss Everdeen/Peeta Mellark Smut, Pre-Epilogue Mockingjay
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-21
Updated: 2021-02-11
Packaged: 2021-03-13 11:21:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 6,920
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28902549
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaryLG/pseuds/MaryLG
Summary: After the war, Gale returns to District 12 before Peeta. And when Katniss is faced with the concrete possibility of having a romantic relationship with Gale, she knows, more than ever, that he is not the one her heart wants.
Relationships: Katniss Everdeen & Gale Hawthorne, Katniss Everdeen & Peeta Mellark, Katniss Everdeen/Peeta Mellark
Comments: 15
Kudos: 46





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, everyone! As well as "Back in Your Arms", this is a story that was originally written in Portuguese, my first language. But I decided to translate it to English. My friend @JHsgf82 helped me revise the text (thank you, Mandy! :D), but I'm the one who translated it. So if something sounds weird, I apologize in advance.
> 
> I posted this story a few months ago in a brazilian website, and now I'm posting it here. I hope you all will like it! 
> 
> Have a good reading, and don't forget to leave a comment! :D
> 
> ATTENTION: In this story, Gale did NOT have a possible responsability in Prim's death. Also, this story is NOT a Galeniss story. Everlark is ENDGAME here, just like in canon. So if you're looking for a Galeniss story, this is not one for you.

> _“On the night I feel that thing again, the hunger that overtook me on the beach, I know this would have happened **anyway**.”_ (Katniss Everdeen, Mockingjay)

Curled up in the rocking chair in front of the kitchen fireplace, I watch the crackling of the flames, as if nothing but that could catch my attention right now.

The night is falling and the kitchen is dimly lit, but I don’t feel any urge to stand up and turn on the light. I stay still, apathetic, as I’ve been for most of the time since returning to District 12.

How many days have passed since my return? I don’t know for sure. The sun keeps raising and setting out there, but this has been irrelevant to me. It is as if I have lost notion of time. Or, it is as if time no longer mattered to me. The days just pass by slowly, and nothing ever changes.

I know there’s nothing stopping me from getting out of this chair and moving on with my life. But it seems I keep waiting for something.

Light fills the kitchen, what breaks me out from my torpor.

“My girl, you’re still like this?” says Greasy Sae, appearing in front of me.

I look at her, but I don’t say anything. I just straighten myself slightly in the chair.

“You need to react.” she continues. “Get out of that chair, take a shower... You’ve been in this state for days.”

I look at the wrinkled face of my neighbor and see concern on her features.

“I know...” I say, merely. It feels weird to hear the sound of my own voice.

“Life goes on, my girl. No matter how bad our losses.”

I nod, making all the effort not to think of my little sister. Or of all the others I’ve lost.

Noticing I’m not going to say anything in response, she continues:

“Well, there’s something I think you’d like to know.”

“What?” I ask.

“Gale is coming.”

This catches my attention.

“Really?!” I exclaim

“Yes.” she answers, moving around the kitchen as she prepares my dinner. “Hazelle called me and told me.”

I dig around inside myself, trying to understand how I’m feeling about this news.

On the one hand, I know it may be good to have Gale around again. To have a friend to keep me company after all this time spent in loneliness. On the other hand, I don’t know where our old friendship stands. I can’t ignore all the disagreements we had over the last few months. And I can’t ignore the fact that he had expectations beyond friendship regarding the two of us either.

After our last kiss in District 2, he didn’t make any attempt to kiss me again, or to talk about his feelings for me. And during our last encounter, moments before I killed Coin, we didn’t get much time to talk.

_“Hey, can I talk to you for a minute?” He said, entereing the room where my prep team was readying me for the ceremony of Snow’s execution._

_My prep team left the room, leaving us alone._

_“I brought that for you.” He said, showing to me a quiver that contained a single arrow. “It’s supposed to be symbolic. You firing the final shot of the war.”_

_“What if I miss?” I questioned. Gale adjusted the quiver on my back and looked at me through the reflection in the mirrow._

_“You won’t miss.” He said._

_“You didn’t come see me at the hospital.” I said, suddenly._

_“I did want to.” He said, seeming self-conscious. “But they told me you were unable to talk to anyone and..._

_He dropped his gaze._

_“And what?” I asked._

_“I couldn’t manage to deal with that situation.” he answered, still not looking at me. “I didn’t know how to comfort you.”_

_This time, I dropped my gaze._

_“I’m so sorry about Prim, Katniss.”_

_“Was it one of Beetee’s bombs?” I asked, ignoring Gale’s previous statement. “The ones he showed us in 13?”_

_“I don’t know. And he doesn’t know either. But it’s not what’s bothering you, is it? What is bothering you is who gave the order to drop those bombs.”_

_When I heard this, I looked up at Gale, getting what was implicit in his words. But before I could say something in response, Effie knocked on the door and then entered the room, telling me that I had been convened for an emergency reunion._

After that day, I’ve been held, waiting for my verdict for killing Coin. And we haven’t talked anymore. Not even over the telephone. I don’t know what he expects by coming back to 12. Is he coming only to see me? Or does he intend to rebuild his life in his old home?

And if he is coming only to see me, what are his intentions? Does he just want to rebuild our old friendship? Or did the end of the war rekindle his hopes to become more than a friend to me? Thinking of the latter possibility gives me an unpleasant sensation in my stomach, but I don’t know what to conclude from this.

Inexplicably, I think of Peeta. Of how I haven’t heard about him in so long. Where and how is he, after all? The last time I saw him was in the Capitol. At the execution ceremony, right after I killed Coin. I tried to commit suicide with the nightlock pill, and he stopped me. He said he couldn’t let me go.

What did he mean by this? I don’t know for sure. But I know that I’m alive thanks to him.

“Katniss?” Greasy Sae calls me; it’s what takes me out of my thoughts and brings me back to reality.

When I look at her, I see she is placing my plate onto the table, which makes me conclude that I might have spent a long time in my wonderings.

“Dinner is ready. Come eat it.”

I nod and get up from the rocking chair. I feel a little dizzy, but Greasy Sae comes to me and leads me by my shoulders towards the table.

I sit down and begin to eat the soup she prepared for me. The warm, strong liquid slides down my throat, and after a few spoonfulls, I feel a little better.

“When is Gale arriving?” I ask, remembering what she had said.

“In the day after tomorrow.” she answers, and I feel a pang of anxiety in my stomach.

I nod, trying to seem as indifferent as possible.

“He won’t like to see you like this.” she says, and I know she’s right.

He really won’t like to see me like this. Dirty, unkempt, completely overtaken by mourning. I wouldn’t want him to see me like this, myself.

“Let me help you.” she offers.

I consider her request a little, and end up saying:

“Okay.”

When I’m done eating, I let Greasy Sae lead me upstairs and take care of me. She helps me take a shower, applies medicine on the parts of my patchwork skin my hands can’t reach, helps me dress in clean clothes, cuts and untangles my hair... And I enjoy her care, knowing how starved I’ve been for care, for the sensation that someone in the world still cares about me.

When she’s about to make up my bed for me to sleep, however, I refuse. I know I can’t spend the night alone in that huge bed. The loneliness and the nightmares would be too hard to bear.

We end up coming to the agreement that I will sleep on the couch in the living room. At least, it’s more comfortable than the kitchen rocking chair.

When I’m properly accommodated, Greasy Sae wishes me good night and then goes away, leaving only the lamp beside the couch on. I wonder if it would be good to watch TV, but I end up choosing not to watch it, too afraid of seeing something unpleasant. Finally, I fall asleep.

*******

After a night without terrible dreams, which I consider good, I wake to the light sun rays entering the room through the window.

I stay still for a moment, having no energy to get up. But after some time, I make an effort to get up and go to the kitchen to wait for Greasy Sae.

Later, when I’m eating the breakfast she prepared for me, she tells me that my bow and arrow are in the office and encourages me to go hunt. But I don’t have strenght or energy to do so. Not now.

_“Maybe you’ll get energy when Gale arrives and keeps you company in the woods”_ , a voice inside my head says. But this idea, for a reason I don’t exactly know, has me a little nervous. So I just decide not to think about this.

I spend most of the time on the couch. Only at night, at Greasy Sae’s insistence, I take a shower. This time, by myself. After that, I gather the courage to watch TV, and eventually, I fall asleep on the couch in the living room.

***

“Good morning, my girl.” Greasy Sae says with a soft smile on her face, as soon as she enters the kitchen. “Do you remember what day is today?”

“I do.” I say.

As messy as my notion of time is, I couldn’t forget today is the day Gale is arriving.

“The train will arrive soon.” She informs. “And he won’t delay in seeing you, I guess.”

I nod, not knowing what to say.

After breakfast, I decide to take a shower, willing myself to be minimally presentable in case he comes see me. When it’s past lunchtime and there’s no sign of him, however, I end up falling asleep on the couch.

When I hear the doorbell ring, I wake startled. “I must be him”, I think.

Tamping down the strange sensation of anxiety in my stomach, I scrub my eyes, get up from the couch and walks towards the door.

“Catnip?!” He exclaims as soon as he sees me.

And before I can say anything in response, he wraps me in his arms and hold me tight. So tight he lifts me slightly off the floor.

I get a little surprised at Gale’s reaction, but I can’t deny the comfort I feel when being held like this after living in loneliness for so long. I can’t deny I missed him either. Even though I don’t know where our relationship stands.

After awhile, he lets go off me.

I stare at him for a moment. He looks thinner than he was the last time I saw him. But aside from that, he looks well.

“I’ve missed you so much.” He says, caressing my face slightly.

I lean into his touch, and only then do I realize how starved I’ve been for affection.

“May I come in?” He asks, taking his hand off my face.

“Of course.” I answer, and then I let him in.

I sit down on the couch and he sits down on the armchair next to it.

“What are you doing here in 12?” I ask, and my voice sounds more defensive than I intended to. “I mean, there’s nothing much left here.”

“There’s you.” He says, smiling softly.

“Gale...” I begin, but he interrupts me.

“I needed to come see you. I needed to try and reconnect with you.”

“You came back only for this?” I ask, unable to help myself.

He stirs in the armchair, suddenly uncomfortable.

“Not only for this. I’m going to help rebuild the district as well.”

I nod.

“I understand...”

“But you were the main reason why I wanted to come back.” he says, looking right into my eyes.

My stomach twists with nervousness. What does he exactly mean by this? Did the end of the war really give him hope of being more than friends with me?

As if he could read my mind, he says:

“I’m not expecting anything other than friendship right now. I know you are still not well.

_“And maybe I never will be”_ , I think, but I don’t say anything. Gale continues:

“But I needed to try and reconnect with you. Even if only as friend. Can you understand?”

I nod.

“Do you allow me to be a part of your life again?” he asks.

I consider his request. I don’t know how things are going to be in the future, but right now, it feels right to allow myself to have my friend back.

“I do.” I say.

He smiles widely.

“What do you think of going hunting, like in old times?” He invites me.

“Now?” I ask.

“If you want to, we can. I think that my mother and Greasy Sae will enjoy having fresh meat for dinner.

I don’t feel very excited, but I decide to make an effort. I know I need to react.

“Okay.” I answer, getting up from the couch. “Wait here. I’ll get my bow.”

He nods.

When I enter the office, I find, above the desk, the bows and the quiver Gale rescued on the night of the bombing. Beside them, lies a box, and I decide to see what is inside.

Inside the box, I find my father’s hunting jacket, our plant book, a photo of my parents’ wedding, the spile Haymitch sent me in the arena and the box locket Peeta gave me.

Peeta.

When I think of him, and of the circunstance in which he gave me this locket, I’m consumed with a strange feeling. It’s like a mix of sadness, nostalgy and longing for something I’ve lost.

But I ignore this feeling and put the things back in the box hurriedly, knowing thar Gale is waiting for me. I put my father’s hunting jacket on, pick one of the bows and the quiver, and go back to the living room.

*******

Being with Gale in the woods after so long has its perks. It feels like I’m reliving one of old Katniss’ days. Old Katniss, the one who hadn’t experienced the Games, the rebellion and the war.

But at the same time, I can’t pretend I’m still that Katniss. Not when I’ve just seen people collecting bones around the district, and throwing them into a moat beneath the soil of what once had been the meadow.

Despite my inner turmoil, I manage to shoot down a wild turkey. And Gale, with his snare, manages to catch a squirrel. Later, we sit down on the rock that used to be our meeting point.

“It feels like an eternity since we’ve last been here.” He says, surveying the landscape around us.

“It’s true.” I say in response.

Gale stays quiet for a moment, as if he’s considering something. But after awhile he says, looking at me:

“Do the boy and the girl who meet in these very woods a few years ago still exist?”

“We all changed.” I say. “No one can experience the Games and the war without changing.”

“It’s true.” He agrees. “But can the boy and the girl manage to restore what they had in the past? Is there a chance?”

Was the Capitol responsible for putting distance bewteen us? Or our differences would have prevailed anyway?

With this question in mind, I give him the answer that feels the most honest to me:

“They can try.”

Gale smiles slightly.

“And they will.” He says, intertwining his hand with mine.

From that day on, we begin to try to rebuild our old friendship. Despite his activities regarding the reconstruction of the district, Gale always manages to have some availiable time for me. When he has free shifts, we go hunt. When he only has a little free time, he stops by my house to see me.

In the moments we see each other, none of us mention the war, Prim or any other heavy subject. In the beginning, I feel relieved for not having to talk about any of this. But as the days pass by, I begin to feel some discomfort. It is as if the friend with whom I could be myself and to whom I could tell my secrets was no longer here.

Perhaps he is just respecting my personal space, but for some reason, I feel like he isn’t capable of understanding me. Or, of comforting me, as he admitted himself he couldn’t in our last encounter in the Capitol.

Some day, however, something happens and then I finally show him how broken I am.

Buttercup, Prim’s cat, reappears in my house during a moment when Gale is with me. When I see the feline beside me, meowing as if he was calling my sister, all the control and reservation I was trying to mantain fade away.

“Prim is dead!” I scream at the cat. “There’s nothing for you here, you stupid cat! Go away! Go away!”

But he doesn’t move a centimeter. He stays exactly where he is, as if he were expecting my sister to appear at any moment.

And then I am crying wildly. Those horrible hiccups begin to escape from my throat, and before I can even think, I am picking up the cat and holding him tight against my chest, trying to find in him, the cat I’ve always disliked, the comfort I’ve been craving for all this time.

After what feels like an eternity, my crying eases a bit and then I remember Gale is here. Ashamed, I look at him. He is standing in the middle of the room, looking at me with a scared expression on his face. We stay like this for awhile, only looking at each other without being able to say anything. And I’m still holding the cat.

Gale, however, ends up breaking the silence.

“I’m so sorry, Katniss.”

I only shake my head, unable to say anything in response.

Seeming disconcerted, Gale comes closer to me and says:

“I know there’s nothing much to talk. But if there’s something I can do, just tell me.”

I shake my head again.

“Well, now I need to go.” he says. “Stay well.”

He caresses my teary cheek slightly, and then he leaves my house.

And I stand there, in the middle of the room, with the cat still in my arms, feeling a mix of sadness, shame and humiliation. Only when Buttercup meows and tries to get out of my arms, I react. I place him on the floor and wipe the trails of tears off my face.

For the rest of the day, I stay on the couch, enduring feelings of pain, longing and need. At night, after dinner, I decide to make an effort to go upstairs and take a shower. When I leave the bathroom, already dressed in my sleepwear, I catch sight of Buttercup crouched on my bed.

The scene is so weird, but I soon realize he noticed the absence of my sister and decided to seek comfort. The same comfort I’m craving.

For the first time since returning to 12, I lay on my bed and sleep in my bedroom. Buttercup stays beside me, protecting me from the dangers of the night. The next morning, I take care of him. I pull out the thorns from his paws and clean his wounds. After this, I give him water and food. If I no longer can take care of my sister, I decide that at least I can take care of one who was important to her.

**To be continued...**


	2. Chapter 2

When Gale comes to see me again, neither of us mention what happened in our last encounter. He only asks me if I’m feeling better, and I say I am, although the sensation of sadness and shame still persists in me.

Later, when we’re in the woods, however, I manage to forget a little about these negative feelings. Gale jokes with me, tries to make me laugh and, for a moment, it is as if we are the boy and the girl from years ago again.

When I come home that day, I’m feeling a little better than before. And this gives me hope that things can get better, altough I know that at night, when the nightmares come and there isn’t anyone to hold me, I’ll doubt this.

***

In the following days, Gale and I continue seeing each other and going hunting together. And although I know that he can’t give me all the comfort that I need, I know that his presence and company are doing me well. And that our moments together distract me from my pain.

Our routine with each other is comfortable, and when I realize, I’m already looking foward to our trips to the woods, just like in old times. I feel like our friendship is taking a good path. Until one day he kisses me and shows me that maybe I wasn’t right.

It’s an unexpected kiss, in a moment when we’re saying goodbye to each other at the entry of my house, after going hunting together. He puts his lips on mine and I just stand there, not kissing him back. I just wonder if it will make things weird between us again.

We’ve kissed a few times in the past, but if I’m being honest with myself, I know that I never kissed him for the right reasons. That I never kissed him with the real intention of reciprocating his feelings.

He breaks apart, which takes me out of my wonderings.

“Good night, Catnip.” he says, seeming a little disappointed. “See you.”

“See you.” I say, ignoring my embarrassment.

***

At our next encounter, Gale acts as if nothing had happened. Simply treats me as a friend, which has me a little relieved. In this moment, I can’t deal with him demanding anything beyond friendship from me.

I know that there are no longer The Hunger Games, the Capitol, the rebellion or anything else stopping me from rebuilding my life. I also know that now I am free and unimpeded to be with whoever I want. So why does the idea of having anything beyond friendship with Gale feel so wrong?

When Peeta comes to my mind, I know I have the answer to that question. But this truth is so hard to bear I decide to just ignore it, for my own sake.

***

After some days acting as usual, Gale kisses me again. This time, it’s in a moment when we’re in the woods, sitting on the rock of our old meeting point.

Unlike last time, this kiss is not totally unexpected. He caresses my face and approaches my lips slowly. I have more than enough time to turn my face away. But I don’t.

I close my eyes and let him kiss me, craving to fill an emptiness I’ve been feeling for so long, but which I only became fully aware of now.

A part of me knows that Gale is not the one who can fill this emptiness. But another part of me is opposed to that, knowing that what I really need is out of my reach.

Ignoring the conflict in my mind and in my heart, I begin to kiss him back. The sensations I feel do not fill me in the way I crave. I don’t feel that hunger, that warmth that only one person could ever evoke in me. But still, these sensations are welcome. They show me that at least I’m still capable of feeling something.

Gale moves away slightly, and when I lean in to close the gap, he turns his face away, dodging me. His gesture gives me a bad feeling of rejection, but before I dwell on it, he says:

“What are you thinking of?”

When I hear this, I’m taken back to that moment when we kissed in District 2. He asked me the same question.

“I don’t know.” I answer once again, although this time I admit to myself that I’m not being totally honest.

Gale gives a disbelieving expression.

“If I ask you something, you promise me you will answer it honestly?” he asks.

I get nervous about where this conversation is heading, but before I say anything in response, Gale makes another question:

“It’s him who you think of when you kiss me, isn’t it?”

I feel a pang of anxiety in my chest. I’m not liking the route this conversation is taking, definitely. Trying to keep my voice as indifferent as possible, I say:

“He, who?”

Gale stirs on the rock we’re sitting on, clearly impatient.

“You know who.”

I look down, unable to look Gale in the eyes. He continues:

“It’s him who you were thinking of when I kissed you in district 2. And it’s him who you’re thinking of now.” It’s not a question. He’s claiming it.

I look at Gale again, feeling a mix of shame and annoyance.

“If I denied it, would it change anything?” I question. “You’re already convinced of that.”

“It would.” He says. “But only if you denied it while looking me in the eyes.

He stares at me, expecting me to deny it. But I can’t. Lying has never been my forte, after all.

“See? You can’t deny.”

Gale makes a move to get up, but I grab his arm.

“Gale, what does it matter?” I ask, and I notice my voice is filled with anger. “He’s not here. And even if he were, he was hijacked. He hates me. Don’t you remember?”

Gale grins scornfully and then says:

“So these are the only reasons why you’re not with him?”

“That’s not what I sa...” I begin, but Gale interrumpts me.

“That’s exactly what you said.”

I open my mouth a few times, but I can’t manage to say anything in response.

“I don’t want you to be with me just because he’s out of your reach.” He continues. “That wasn’t my intention when I returned to 12.”

“Honestly, what were you expecting from me?” I ask, finally managing to say something.

“I expected you to, at least, open yourself to the possibility of loving me. But deep down, I knew that I was just fooling myself. You can’t forget him.”

“You told me you weren’t expecting anything beyond friendship from me now.” I say, ignoring his previous statement about Peeta. “That you knew I still wasn’t well.

“It’s been weeks, Katniss!” He lets off, clearly irritated.

“And what were you expecting, huh?! That I would be brand new in a few weeks after everything I’ve been through?!” I shot back, feeling my own irritation grow.

“I expected you would at least try to live! But you’d rather be stuck in the past, always suffering over the same things and the same people!”

When I hear this, I get so angry I stand up.

“It’s so easy for you to say, isn’t it?!” I scream, feeling my whole body tremble. “You’re not the one who lost loved ones in the war! You’re not the one who faced two arenas! You’re not the one who wakes desperate almost every night from unspeakable nightmares!”

Gale winces slightly, seeming scared of my anger. I continue:

“You’ll never be able to understand what it feels like to go through all of this. Never! And you won’t even try. Because you can’t put yourself in anyone’s shoes!”

“Katniss, I...” he begins, but I interrupt him:

“That was the reason why we argued so many times during the war. You didn’t think of the innocent people who were inside the nut, didn’t think of my prep team, didn’t think of Peeta... And didn’t even think of me, in many moments.”

When I let all of this out, I finally realize how hurt I still feel about everything that happened. And how irreconcilable the differences between Gale and I can be. The anger turns into tears, and when I realize it, I’m already sobbing.

When I feel Gale’s hand on my shoulder, I notice he stood up.

“Katniss...”

“N-not n-now, ok?” I say between sobs. “W-we’ll talk later.”

And then I turn away and leave, craving to be by myself in order to put my thoughts and feelings in order.

Gale doesn’t call me again.

***

On my way home, I can feel some people looking at me, probably noticing my crying face. But I ignore all of this and just keep walking hurriedly, trying hard not to think about everything that has just happened.

Only when I’m lying on my couch, away from prying eyes, I allow myself to think about what happened. Gale kissing me; Gale implying that I’m not with Peeta just because he’s not here. Gale criticizing me for still suffering from my traumas and losses... Me rubbing in his face things I’d been keeping to myself for so long...

It’s painful to think about all of this, and when I realize it, I’m crying again. But despite my suffering, I don’t run away from the reflections I know I need to have.

I could already tell that Gale still had hopes we would become more than friends. His feelings for me aren’t news to me, after all. But today, before his words and attitudes, I could see that us becoming more than friends wasn’t only a hope to him, but also a condition for our relationship to continue existing.

He returned to district 12 with no intention of being my friend. All that talk about reconnecting with me, even if only as a friend, was a huge lie. He didn’t have any intention of rekindling our old friendship, or of taking care of me in this moment when I feel so much pain. All he intended with this rapprochement was for me to requite his feelings and be with him romantically.

He didn’t think of me in any moment. Not really. Since the beginning, he had these intentions very clear in his mind. But, honestly, why do I still get surprised? It’s not like Gale’s selfish attitudes were news to me. I came across them many times, especially over the last year.

_“You were selfish towards him as well, even if it was to a smaller degree.”_ An annoying voice in my mind says. This thought hurts my ego, but I don’t repel it. I know it’s true, after all.

I took advantage of Gale in district 2, and I took advantage of him again today. Although I know that he’s not the one I want, and although I don’t have any intention of returning his feelings, I let him kiss me. And I kissed him back. Both times.

My need for a distraction made me disconsider Gale’s feelings for me. I used him to feel better, to try and fill the emptiness inside me, even though I knew that he wasn’t the one who could fill this emptiness. Even though I knew that I had no intention of loving him in the way he expected me to.

Gale might have erred more, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t erred too. We both erred. We both were selfish, even if to different degrees.

When I realize all of this, I know that our plan of rebuilding our old friendship was doomed to fail since the beginning. We’re no longer the boy and the girl who met in the woods years ago. The glue of mutual need that bound us in the past has melted completely. Today, we have different needs, different feelings, different values. The only thing we have in common is the selfishness that puts an increasing distance between us.

Definitely, there’s no way of rebuilding the relationship we once had, even if we were both completely committed to it. We don’t do each other well. Not anymore.

It’s hard to come to this conclusion, but I know that I can’t fool myself anymore. I need to accept reality. Only then will I be able to overcome all of this.

Feeling the sensation of loneliness and abandonment hit me hard, I cry for what feels like a long time. And later, when the room is getting dark due to the sunset, my body surrenders to my emotional exhaustion and I drift off.

***

When I wake, the living room light is on and Greasy Sae is standing beside me, observing me.

“Greasy...” I say with a hoarse voice, and then I sit up on the couch.

“Hello, my girl. Your dinner is ready. Come eat it.”

I nod and get up from the couch. Next, I go to the kitchen along with her. Greasy Sae looks at me with concerned eyes, like she could sense I’m not very well. But she doesn’t ask me anything.

When she leaves my house, I return to the couch and end up sleeping there. In the middle of the dawn, I wake desperate from a terrible nightmare. But there isn’t anyone to hold me and speak comforting words. There’s never anyone.

The only one who once did this for me is not here. And doesn’t love me anymore. I’m completely alone, after all.

***

In the following days, I don’t do much. I spend most of the time lying on the couch, sometimes staring at the ceiling, sometimes watching some news on TV. No one but Greasy Sae comes. Besides her, the only company I have is Buttercup, who now and then appears in the living room or in my bedroom to spend some time with me.

Greasy Sae notices there’s something wrong bewteen me and Gale, but she doesn’t push me to talk about this. She just tells me that if I ever want to talk to someone, she’s here to listen. But I don’t feel like talking about this with anyone. Not now.

***

About a week after our argument, Gale knocks on my door. When I see him, I feel an avalanche of unpleasant emotions, and my first impulse is to close the door in his face and run away. But I don’t do this. Instead, I let him inside my house. I know we need to talk. Even if it’s only to clear things up and move on.

When I’m sitting on the couch and Gale, on the armchair next to it, he begins:

“Katniss, I...”

He stops for a moment, seeming to consider something, but then he continues:

“First of all, I’d like to apologize for the way I acted that day. I know that what you’ve been through isn’t easy. I’m sorry for having diminished your pain.”

I nod, not knowing what to say. He goes on:

“I’ve thought a lot in the last few days... And I saw that I wasn’t being fair to you. I was expecting and demanding from you things that you can’t give me.”

“You returned to 12 with no intention of being my friend. You only wanted to reconnect with me because you thought we would become a couple this way.” I say, and that’s not a question.

Gale drops his gaze and looks at his hands, seeming too ashamed to look me in the eye.

“I wish I were able to be only your friend, like in the old days. But I’m not. Not now.”

“You could have been sincere to me since the beginning.” I say.

“I know.” He says, still not looking at me. “I’m sorry.”

I drop my gaze and stay quiet, not knowing what to reply. After awhile, Gale says:

“I’m leaving 12.”

I lift my head and see that he is looking at me again.

“How so?!” I ask, surprised.

“I’m going to live in district 2. My mother and my siblings are staying here, but I got a fancy job there and I’m leaving.”

“Weren’t you supposed to help rebuild district 12?” I ask, confused.

Before he gives me an answer, however, I understand everything.

“You had this going to district 2 in mind since the beginning. You were willing to stay here only if we became a couple.” I say, and this is not a question.

“It’s true.” He admits. “I’m sorry.”

I dig around inside myself, trying to register the feelings the news of Gale’s departure is causing in me. I find that sadness, that sensation of loneliness and abandonment that I felt after our argument. But I find an entirely new feeling too: Relief. And it overlaps the others.

“Maybe it’s better this way.” I say. “We don’t do each other well. Not anymore.”

He looks at me with a confused expression on his face, seeming to not understand what I meant. I continue:

“I wasn’t fair to you either. You were right that day. I was using you to feel better. I’m sorry.”

When I say this, I feel so ashamed I drop my gaze again.

“You don’t need to use anyone to feel better.” Gale says, and I sense a little pain in his voice. “Go after him.”

“You know it’s not possible.” I say, ignoring the feelings that are already stirring inside me.

“It’s entirely possible.” He claims, and when I look at him again, I notice he got up from the armchair.

“I’m leaving now, Katniss. I’m going to depart tomorrow morning.”

I get up from the couch.

“That’s okay. Gale?”

“Hmm?”

“I wish you happiness in district 2.” I say, sincerely.

“Thank you.” He says, forcing a small smile. “I wish you happiness here too. Consider what I said, okay?”

“Okay.” I nod.

He heads to the door and I follow him, in order to open it for him. Before I open it, however, he says:

“Maybe time will fix everything and we’ll be able to be the friends we once were again.”

“Yeah, maybe.” I say, although I’m not believing it too much.

“Goodbye, Katniss.”

“Goodbye, Gale.”

I turn the door knob and open the door for him. For a brief moment, I wonder if I should give him a farewell hug. But before I can decide anything, he shakes his head in a gesture of cordiality and leaves my house. And I stay there, seeing his silhouette leave my sight.

When he disappears completely, I finally react and reenter my house, closing the door behind me. After that, I lay on the couch and try to reflect about everything that has happened, and about what my life will become from now on.

Although I know that Gale leaving 12 is probably the best for both of us at the moment, I can’t help the sensation of loneliness and abandonment that his departure and the end of our friendship are giving me. When I was alone, abandoned by almost everyone, he arrived and, for a moment, his presence was a source of refuge and distraction for me. As much as his real intentions and expectations were different.

Now, that Gale has actually left my life, I feel like I don’t have anyone else in the world. My mother is living in district 4 and don’t give a damn about me. My little sister is gone. Haymitch spends the day drinking and never comes see me. And Peeta, I have no ideia where he is, or what happened to him.

_“Go after him”._ Gale’s statement echoes in my mind. Should I really search for him? Is there any way for me to do so?

I think of Haymitch. Does he have any news from Peeta? It’s not impossible, but when I think of how quiet he’s been since we returned to 12, I conclude that it’s very unlikely he knows anything.

I think of Dr. Aurelius. Does he know anything? Maybe he does. But I don’t have his phone number. But even If I did, I probably would not feel comfortable trying to talk to him after all the times I refused to answer phone calls that probably were his.

I try to think of other possibilites, but I eventually decide that I need to consider the idea before I try anything. I don’t know if Peeta would want to hear from me, after all.

When I feel a strange feeling of rejection, I adjust myself on the couch, grab the remote control and turn on the TV. Distracted by the TV schedule, I don’t have to think about Peeta or about any feeling regarding him.

***

The next morning, I wake as soon as the sun rays enter my bedroom. But I don’t feel any will to get up and leave my house. I just lay on the bed, waiting for a bursting of disposition I know won’t come. I only do get up when I hear Greasy Sae’s noises downstairs.

After having breakfast, I head to the couch and end up falling asleep again. A terrible nightmare follows. I’m laying at the bottom of a deep grave, and the ones who died in the rebellion throw a shovel full of ashes on me, burying me deeper and deeper. I try to scream, implore for help, but the ashes fill my mouth and I can’t make any sound. And the shovel scrapes on and on...

I wake with a startle. When I see the surroundings of my house living room, I know I’ve been dreaming. But the sound of the shovel scraping continues, and apparently, it comes from the outside. Fearing I’m hallucinating, I get up from the couch and head to the side of my house, where the sound seems to come from.

When I see Peeta in front of me, I can hardly believe it.

**To be continued...**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Our boy with the bread is back! Yay! :D
> 
> Did you all like this chapter, and how I wrote the final decline of Gale and Katniss' friendship? I tried to be faithful to the books, and to the characters' personalities, and I really hope you all liked it. Don't forget to leave a comment with your thoughts! :)
> 
> \- Mary


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